6 am...

I almost drowned few times. That's such a helpless feeling but here's the difference now, I've never felt like drowning outside the sea. Have you ever felt like drowning? The problem is, in the sea you can either drown or somehow save yourself, here there's no help. I can sit in my bed, listen to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sxso0m3KjEA for a hundred times and nothing will change. This is a song from Croatian band, oh God, if you could only understand it. Fucking shit, it's amazing. Not just this one, they have such and indescribable talent to transform feelings in songs. They don't usually write love songs or anythings, but the songs they write are so powerful. Their talent to write these songs is as indescribable as my talent to screw everything up. It's like the desire in me to run away when things start to feel too good or something like that. Firstly I don't care but in the end I'm the only one who has to pay for my mistakes. This was just another fuckshitfuck I've done and right now I'm paying for it.

Oh, I'm so much paying for it. And I'm not sure whether the problem is my inability to try to make things right or there is just no way to make things right. I'm never sure should I try to do something or should I just here and wait for life to make this right. I think it's time to go to bed... before I do anything stupid. Nighty

Too much.

There's just so much pressure, so much pain, so much hatred and I have no one to talk about it. It's just like it has been accumulating in me for past few years and now my body it's so full of it that there's no place anymore. Since I've never learned how to show my emotions to other people I have to leave them in my room when I walk out. It seems as if I leave them behind my doors so no one can see them and when I get back they just jump back on me, pull me to the ground and don't let  me stand up until I have to leave house again. I have a perfect mask for walking around my school, going on coffee, walking around my town, going to buy another pack of cigarettes. That's probably due to so much acting that I'm fine. Maybe it's a good thing, no one knows what's going on therefore no one is concerned and worried. It's just up to me how much time can I do this until it explode. Sometimes when I'm with my friends, it s just like I'm lost, like I don't know anyone and then I stare at them pretending that everything they say is funny, and that everything is great while I'm thinking to myself "I want to run away" and it sad. Just like Nicole, cut off.

It's been a while

A while means that I'll wish you Happy new year in March. Yes, this is my first 2013. post. Shame on me, and what happened in these 3 months?
Well, what can you do on island in winter time?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
When can you do it?
ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
:frustrations:

I got fat, that happened, but that is not interesting or fun or anything. There are some fun things in my life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiuHdUkuRi0
but who would like to read about someone's love life, especially not knowing who is he even reading about.
Maybe I've stopped writing here because I've realized I don't have much to write about. That's kind of sad when you think about fact that I'm only 18 years old and that I should be living crazy high school life.
I put energy all in on weekends it's only period when something unexpected can happen in my life. During the week my whole town lives in some kind of vicious circle. Everyday everything is same. I get up at same hour, leave house at same hour, meet same people while walking to school, stand in school with same 150 pupils, go to same cafe for same coffee with same people everyday and so on. Bleh, I'm exaggerating. It's not that bad, I'm just sometimes wondering what kind of person would I be if I Was living somewhere else.

Maybe this should be the end of the post. :)
I'll keep you posted about my funfun life from now on, cross my heart and hope to die.

And since I've already mentioned that crazy feeling that I don't know how to talk about, here's a lovely fact. :)

I've never been thinking that maybe I could try writing about it since I can't talk about it with people around me. I'll give a try one day.

Saint Nicholas

It was Saint Nicholas 3 days ago. I couldn't write about it then because I was at fest, and I couldn't write about it ond Friday because I was having my "itwasfestyesterday" 19h sleep and I couldn't write about it yesterday but I don't know why. So I'm gonna write about it now.
So, te annual fest was held in the place where I actually come from. My mother's parents lived there untill they moved here, in the place where I live now. I like that fest because I always call my friends on dinner and than we go to dance, only problem is school on following day. I like to host dinners in that house, it reminds me how people used to live, the only thing that is new there is electricity, but only for illumination. It doesn't have TV, nor any heating device, nor phone, nothing, that's why I love it so much. I think people lived better at those days. Firstly they were not as alienated each from another as we are, they knew how to live together without any problems. Nowadays, everyone wants to have his own room, no one is allowed in it and other shit. Also they knew how to appreciate things they have. Today, it's never enough, nothing will ever be enough, no matter what you get you always want some more. My dad once told me about the feeling he would get when someone gave him chocolate and how he would eat it for a whole month. Today, every kid eats at least 2 chocolates a week. That's kind of sad.

Yesterday was another crazy Saturday, this is how I spent it. I taught about going out, but I was too melancholic to do it. I also enjoyed sitting by the fire, I always do. If there is some kind of heat source in room I have to be right next to it. It's funny, but I like it. And than I sit next to it until I feel dizzy from heat. But that's ok, isn't it? Actually my calorifier is blowing in my face right now. Is this even a correct expression? I don't think so, but I don't mind.


 

Another photo I took last night. My velvet  "Christmas time" pants and one of my favorite pantyhose. It's too cold to wear this, but I don't actually mind. I felt good in it yesterday, until I was almost blown away by the wind, but it's OK. I <3 my velvet shorts so I had to show them to you.  Most of the people hate them, but I'm ok with that fact. They are covered with some glittery effect because I like glitter, yes.
 Well, I think that's all.
xoxo.
.

We are fine

insomnia
insomnia 
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insomnia 
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insomnia
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mehe3i7Xfa1rnjh2no1_1280.jpg



 Let's totally do.

Saturday night fever

So, I've decided to go out. I'm getting ready right now.
No, I'm not, fooling myself that I am. Than what am I actually doing? I'm looking into three different dresses with 3 different patterns asking myself what shall I wear? I'm also writing a pointless post, but I don't care. People that are waiting for me might care, but since it's me that I'm talking about they know that coming on time is not possible. Tonight I'm going out with my aunt, it probably sounds weird, but it's not. My aunt is kind of still young and we get on together really good. Also, in my place you don't have many options, and none of my friends is going out. "Snađi se druže" would my grandma say.
I've just realized that I had to be at my aunt's friend house 1 hour ago.
Why am I even delaying this? I'm not so keen on wild Saturday nights this month, and somehow every Saturday night starts normal but ends up wild around 2 a.m. As Ted from HIMYM says "nothing good happens after 2 am."


We will see.
Cheerio.

One problem with blogging.

I like blogging, actually, I like writing but most of the time I'm to lazy to pick up a pen and write, it's easier to type. There is just one problem that bothers me with it. This is a place where I would like to write about things that I can't say to anyone around me, the things I struggle with and fight inside myself. The problem is that there is a theoretical chance that someone might accidentally bump on this and recognize my dotty tablecloth or something. So either I can write about anything that I feel and keep out personal characteristics or I can tell you who I really am, where I'm from and stuff and still be coverd with a mask. I was thinking about it and I'll just write.
Accept my apologies for any mistakes in writing, English is not my first language.
I've noticed that here you have possibility to see nouber of people that visited your blog. My number is currently 10. #lame
But thank you all for visiting it. Special greeting to a visitor from Germany. :)


TGIF
Yes, I've spent mine alone under a lighthouse in my place, listening to various waltzes and eating rabbit food. #fun
Is this the end of the post? I would say so.

Pozz to anyone who sees and reads this.


P.s. Since I've mentioned waltzes, my recommendation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CShopT9QUzw